My Great Aunt Winnie will be 100 this month. This last year has been one of mixed emotions. She has been independent for most of her life but in this last year - she has gone from living independent living to a nursing home. This change has made her sad and had an impact on every one in her family - which includes me too!All of a sudden the family has to face issues that they weren't thinking about (well OK they were thinking about it... but always with the idea -- tomorrow or later in that thinking). Now tomorrow is today and the thinking about the situation can't be put off any longer.
We have to face the fact that our parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles are getting older and living longer. At some point, we cannot just plan to see them once or twice a year. The time is coming when they need monthly or weekly or even daily visits. What if they don't live near by? Will I need to move closer to them? Will they move closer to me? The time when everyone lived in the same town and in some cases on the same street is not the norm now. Most are scattered in different towns if not in different states.
I have found that many parents (etc) don't want to move they have friends that they socialize with, churches they attend, social groups they interact with and these things make it hard for them to move - even though the idea of being near a family member is helpful. But as their friends die or move closer to their own kids that circle of friends starts to diminish. The kids have kids of their own, friends, jobs etc etc etc. If they move closer to one child will the others feel left out or feel grateful that they don't have to be the caretaker? Which is better?
If we are lucky our parents move to some kind of assisted living on their own. My great Aunt moved into the place she's been staying, until this year, when her older sister (my grandma) became ill and had to move into a hospital living facility. Thirty years later - she is having to move out because her health makes living on her own too difficult. She has had her own place and a circle of friends to socialize with all this time, and now has had to move to a place where she shares a room with two other women - and they put her to bed at 7pm! No wonder she is a bit cranky about it!
But what if our parents don't take the initiative? They live on their own and slowly are not able to care for themselves. They start avoiding having people over - always meeting in public places so the family won't see how poorly they are taking care of their living spaces. You start noticing that their clothing always has food stains or at the least looks like it should be washed or ironed or both.
With people living longer - there is an even greater incident of Alzheimer's, macular degeneration, diabetes or even the "C" word - cancer. All of these things can create even more reasons for assistance. If we are lucky our loved ones die quickly - easily in their sleep. We complain then that we don't have time to say goodbye, but then we don't have time to think about the process of their slowly becoming dependent on 'someone' in the family or who that someone is going to be. Will the caretaker be a family member or will we have to hire someone? There are stages - Active Living, Independent Living, Assisted Living and Nursing Care. You can throw in in home health care too! I have a friend who has long term care insurance but has stated that she is not EVER going to live in a nursing home!
Worrying about a parent is somehow worse than worrying about our kids. We've had practice worrying about our kids. We haven't learned how to worry about our parents. How much is too much? Are we treating our parents like kids (because that is all we know) or are our parents rejecting our help because we ARE the kids and they are supposed to take care of us? Who decides when things change?
Most older folks I've known tell me they don't want to be a burden to their kids. Do we make our parents feel they are burdens or is it just having to depend on someone other than yourself that creates that fear? And how do we tell them that the burden is heavier when we can see that their quality of life is deteriorating and don't know how to help or even how to bring up the topic!
I don't think I have any answers to these questions, but I am trying to find my way through this particular mine field with more than one elder. Talking about these issues with my kids - I promised them they wouldn't have to deal with these issues. I'm sure every parent thinks that too, then things get away from them, and they don't want to" be a burden". I already know I don't want to be a burden too!
Now the 100th birthday party is right around the corner. The birthday girl is trying to stay alive so all her friends and family can come and see her at least one more time. I am looking forward to seeing her and taking lots of pictures so the family can have them to remember her. If I live to be 100, I hope my quality of life will be as good as hers has been!
No comments:
Post a Comment