What do you do with everything accumulated during a lifetime? I've had to go through my mom's stuff over the past 9 months. My mom died in early January, and after dealing with the doctors, hospitals, funeral homes, family and friends there is the decision what to do with all the "stuff".
Those who lived through the years of the Great Depression, have the excuse that they lived through the years when things were scarce and they needed to keep something they might be able to use again - someday. The recycling people tell us daily to use and reuse and save the planet. Both of these conditions impacted my mom. She loved books, and so people gave them to her as gifts. Her local library did not accept donations and so she was not able to throw books away as they were still able to be read by someone else ..... what to do? So books piled up in boxes on the floor as well as in bookcases. Books, however, were only part of the stuff.
Everyone keeps mementos; things that help them to remember those moments in their lives. The scrap booking industry is completely dedicated to helping people put their memories and photographs together. We have jewelery, some given as gifts some bought for ourselves. We have shoes, clothing, things stuck to the 'fridge. Some people are amateur collectors; they collect art, statuary, books or music. Everyone has "stuff". The real question is what do you do with it after the loved one dies? By letting go of it - are you letting go of the person?
I found there is no easy answer. Give it away? Throw it away? Keep it? All of it??????
YIKES! Some of my mother's stuff included things she had boxed up when my father died 20+ years ago. She had not looked at it during those 20 years as it was still in the boxes packed up after his death - I know because the dates on the newspaper used as stuffing is from 20 years ago. Valuable things? No not really, just some of his stuff that she was not able to let go of after their 37 years together. Things that were still worth something......... and therein lies the trouble. Worth something .. but what and to whom?
In going through my parents stuff there were things that the three of us kids wanted, and so those things were easily distributed. There were the things that were listed in the will to be given to friends; then I was left with the rest...of the stuff. I found the next step was mostly easy - throw away things that were easily identified as trash - the food in the fridge, newspapers, papers/tax returns from more than 10 years ago (shred) Then the really tricky part came -
the REST of the STUFF!
The only way I could deal with the process, was to take my time and not decide all in one day which meant that it took about 9 months.
Although the local library does not take donations any longer, they have a Friends of the Library group that takes used books and resells them enabling my mom's books to find new homes while supporting the local libraries. I couldn't take them 20 boxes of book all in one day; however, so one box at a time her books migrated to the local Friends of the Library drop off. Many of her books had a spiritual theme. I was not sure the local library was really the right home for those books. Fortunately, I found a local Episcopal thrift store in our area who was THRILLED to get the spiritual books and let me know that many of the books were actually going into their library for others to read and enjoy rather than going for sale. I donated most of her clothing and shoes to a local thrift store that supports abused women living in shelters by allowing them to take from the thrift store first at no cost to help them get their lives together. The remaining stuff would go to places like the salvation army or goodwill. So now I had more places where things could. go.
As Executrix of the estate, I needed to find the things she had listed she wanted to give as gifts to her friends to deliver them. That meant going through every box and drawer and determine the best home for each item. I can't say that I have completely finished, but I'm 98% done. I have a suitcase full of family photos that I hope to make into three memory books for the three of us. I have a box full of office supplies that I am intending to donate to the local schools. Pencils, pens, paper, staples, paperclips etc. (Does anyone use typing paper anymore?) I've tried to find the right home for her stuff that made the best use of it. It takes longer that way, but I found I couldn't just throw it all away or even donate it all to one place.
The process of going through her things, however, made me think about all the stuff I have. Do I really NEED all these things? or like my parents am I just keeping the stuff because it is too good to throw away? I can hear my grandma saying "
I paid good money for this .... it's still good.... someone could use that".
But then I watched the show HOARDERS - BURIED ALIVE and I realize that those people could not let go of things and soon their stuff had more room in the house than they did. I decided then that I had stuff of my own that I could let go of --- there must be something I can get rid of, but where to start.
I have clothing in my closet that I no longer wear - some because the outfits are not my size anymore. (I'm not sure how that happens) Some was work clothing, and now that I am retired, I just don't wear that stuff. So, I said to myself, why not get rid of some of that stuff too? I already knew where to take the clothing - the thrift store for women living in shelters. They could use the clothing to go for job interviews or whatever. Shoes?????? I don't wear all of them either!! My feet are still the same size, but I don't need as many now that I am retired. I don't have to wear those dress up shoes every day. OK, lets see if I can eliminate some of those too.
Holiday decorations was next on my list. We used to live in California in an area that had lots of kids and decorating the house for Halloween was a fun event. We would take a week to decorate the house - and try to be the scariest house on the block! Now we live in a senior adult community, where no one decorates and no kids trick or treat! So after 8 years, I was able to let go 99% of my Halloween decorations. I let go the boxes of spiders, skeletons and the stuff to put webs on everything. So now I am starting on the boxes and boxes and boxes of Christmas decorations.
I enjoyed decorating the house, when we had kids and family to come over for the holiday. I would take out my Christmas videos (VHS then now DVDs) and play It's a wonderful life or White Christmas and start my decorating. Inside, outside, upstairs and down. Then as the kids got older, I found out I was really decorating for myself. But 8 years ago we move to a smaller home in AZ. The neighborhood still decorates, so that is fun; and I love to go for an evening walk and look at all the homes decorated with lights. My home now is not a two story and I just don't need as much stuff to decorate the hose. So I've determined that I can let go of some of my Christmas stuff too..... One box at a time. I may not be able to let it all go - but I am sure that there must be SOMETHING I can let go of.
I know my family will have to go through my things at some point - but perhaps if I start now, I can slowly let go of things I don't use and let them find new homes where they can be loved by someone else, or be used by someone else there will be less stuff for them. Letting go of stuff is not letting go of the person or the memory. It's just stuff!
