A Friendly Ghost story

A follow up to my last post - finding the right home for the right thing! One of the items I had not been able to let go of,  was a set of my Dad's calligraphy pens. In going through papers in a box, I recently found my dad's will from 22 years ago. He had also named me as his executrix should he and my mom pass away together. He stated in his will that he wanted his calligraphy things to go to a school. I had not found the right place for his things, so they have been at my house for the last 8 months and had been in storage since he died.

My dad had taught himself calligraphy after college.  He became good enough that folks paid him to do awards, announcements for weddings and church events, letters of commendation and all things fancy.  He enjoyed creating these works and even made an alphabet book with his art and some cartoon like characters.

Our notes for high school were always humorously written and more like works of art then what most kids had to get back into school.  One time; after being out ill,  I  used a regular note written by my mom to return to school;  the administrator told me " Well, this will get you back in, but have your Dad write one of his notes, Please". Three of us attended the same school, and the administration office saved all our notes. They told my sister they were almost sorry she was graduating as it meant no more notes!!!

This week I was at a meeting for the local  Friends of the Library where we were talking about what kind of items we wanted in our display case, someone mentioned calligraphy work and items. While I was thinking about my Dad's stuff; two of the ladies mentioned they were taking calligraphy classes and they would be talking to their instructor about a display!  HMMMM.... a school?

Later that week I took my Dad's pens to one of the calligraphy students, and gave them to her.  The pens were beautiful to look at with blown glass handles.   I don't even know if my Dad ever used them. My friend tells me that she liked them so well, she would be taking them to her instructor to share with the class.


We were standing in an open lobby looking at the pens when she suddenly asked me "you don't smoke do you?"  I said no, but my Dad had been a smoker for much of his life.   At first I apologized for not spraying the items with Fabreze or Lysol as the items had been in storage for the last 22 years; but then I realized....

.......it was just my Dad stopping by to let me know that I had found the right place for his things. It made it easy to let go of them.

I've felt my Dad checking in or rather checking up on me over the last few years - each time with a wisp of smoke in a place where smoke would not  normally be found. 

This time I knew it was to let me know that he approved. 

I had found the right place for his things.

56 and 1/2 years young!

Remember when we were kids and we told everyone we were (age) and 1/2 ???? I think that lasted until we were 13 - then we started telling everyone we were OLDER than we really were - trying to get older quicker. It took for- EVER for summer vacation to arrive then even longer for Christmas to come around. Then I reached 21 and stopped telling folks I was 'almost'.... something just the year no one halves or three quarters or all mosts! Now that I am past 55, I think it is time to start adding in the 1/4, 1/2 and almost to my age.

I have a great aunt who just turned 100, she tells me that 100 is the official age for OLD - good to know!

Letting Go of Stuff - Why is it so Hard?

What do you do with everything accumulated during a lifetime? I've had to go through my mom's stuff over the past 9 months. My mom died in early January, and after dealing with the doctors, hospitals, funeral homes, family and friends there is the decision what to do with all the "stuff". 

Those who lived through the years of the Great Depression, have the excuse that they lived through the years when things were scarce and they needed to keep something they might be able to use again - someday.  The recycling people tell us daily to use and reuse and save the planet.  Both of these conditions impacted my mom. She loved books, and so people gave them to her as gifts.  Her local library did not accept donations and so she was not able to throw books away as they were still able to be read by someone else ..... what to do? So books piled up in boxes on the floor as well as in bookcases. Books, however, were only part of the stuff.

Everyone keeps mementos; things that help them to remember those moments in their lives. The scrap booking industry is completely dedicated to helping people put their memories and photographs together. We have jewelery, some given as gifts some bought for ourselves.  We have shoes, clothing, things stuck to the 'fridge. Some people are amateur collectors; they collect art, statuary, books or music. Everyone has "stuff". The real question is what do you do with it after the loved one dies? By letting go of it  - are you letting go of the person?

I found there is no easy answer.  Give it away? Throw it away?  Keep it? All of it?????? YIKES! Some of my mother's stuff included things she had boxed up when my father died 20+ years ago.  She had not looked at it during those 20 years as it was still in the boxes packed up after his death - I know because the dates on the newspaper used as stuffing is from 20 years ago.   Valuable things? No not really, just some of his stuff that she was not able to let go of after their 37 years together.  Things that were still worth something......... and therein lies the trouble. Worth something .. but what and to whom?

In going through my parents stuff there were things that the three of us kids wanted, and so those things were easily distributed. There were the things that were listed in the will to be given to friends; then I was left with the rest...of the stuff. I found the next step was mostly easy - throw away things that were easily identified as trash - the food in the fridge, newspapers, papers/tax returns from more than 10 years ago (shred)  Then the really tricky part came - the  REST of the STUFF!

The only way I could deal with the process, was to take my time and not decide all in one day which meant that it took about 9 months.

 Although the local library does not take donations any longer, they have a Friends of the Library group that takes used books and resells them enabling my mom's books to find new homes while supporting the local libraries.  I couldn't take them 20 boxes of book all in one day; however, so one box at a time her books migrated to the local Friends of the Library drop off.  Many of her books had a spiritual theme.  I was not sure the local library was really the right home for those books.   Fortunately, I found a local Episcopal thrift store in our area who was THRILLED to get the spiritual books and let me know that many of the books were actually going into their library for others to read and enjoy rather than going for sale.  I donated most of her clothing and shoes to a local thrift store that supports abused women living in shelters by allowing them to take from the thrift store first at no cost to help them get their lives together.  The remaining stuff would go to places like the salvation army or goodwill.  So now I had more places where things could. go.

As Executrix of the estate, I needed to find the things she had listed she wanted to give as gifts to her friends to deliver them.  That meant going through every box and drawer and determine the best home for each item.  I can't say that I have completely finished, but I'm 98% done.  I have a suitcase full of family photos that I hope to make into three memory books for the three of us.  I have a box full of office supplies that I am intending to donate to the local schools.  Pencils, pens, paper, staples, paperclips etc. (Does anyone use typing paper anymore?) I've tried to find the right home for her stuff that made the best use of it.  It takes longer that way, but I found I couldn't just throw it all away or even donate it all to one place.

The process of going through her things, however, made me think about all the stuff I have.  Do I really NEED all these things? or like my parents am I just keeping the stuff because it is  too good to throw away? I can hear my grandma saying "I paid good money for this .... it's still good.... someone could use that".

 But then I watched the show HOARDERS - BURIED ALIVE and I realize that those people could not let go of things and soon their stuff had more room in the house than they did.  I decided then that I had stuff of my own that I could let go of --- there must be something I can get rid of, but where to start.

I have clothing in my closet that I no longer wear - some because the outfits are not my size anymore. (I'm not sure how that happens)  Some was work clothing, and now that I am retired, I  just don't wear that stuff.  So, I said to myself, why not get rid of some of that stuff too?  I already knew where to take the clothing - the thrift store for women living in shelters.   They could use the clothing to go for job interviews or whatever.   Shoes?????? I don't wear all of them either!! My feet are still the same size, but I don't need as many now that I am retired.  I don't have to wear those dress up shoes every day.  OK, lets see if I can eliminate some of those too.

Holiday decorations was next on my list.  We used to live in California in an area that had lots of kids and decorating the house for Halloween was a fun event.  We would take a week to decorate the house - and try to be the scariest house on the block!  Now we live in a senior adult community, where no one decorates and no kids trick or treat!  So after  8 years, I was able to let go 99% of my Halloween decorations.  I let go the boxes of spiders, skeletons and the stuff to put webs on everything.  So now I am starting on the boxes and boxes and boxes of Christmas decorations. 

I enjoyed decorating the house, when we had kids and family to come over for the holiday.  I would take out my Christmas videos (VHS then now DVDs) and play It's a wonderful life or White Christmas and start my decorating.  Inside, outside, upstairs and down. Then as the kids got older, I found out I was really decorating for myself. But  8 years ago we move to a smaller home in AZ.  The neighborhood still decorates, so that is fun; and I love to go for an evening walk and look at all the homes decorated with lights.  My home now is not a two story and I just don't need as much stuff to decorate the hose.  So  I've determined that I can let go of some of my Christmas stuff too..... One box at a time. I may not be able to let it all go - but I am sure that there must be SOMETHING I can let go of. 

I know my family will have to go through my things at some point - but perhaps if I start now, I can slowly let go of things I don't use and let them find new homes where they can be loved by someone else, or be used by someone else there will be less stuff for them.  Letting go of stuff is not letting go of the person or the memory.  It's just stuff!

Knitting, hospitals & ME

My last post was August last year, just before my great Aunt Winnie's 100th birthday. The birthday girl from my last post made it to her 100th birthday!

She was so pleased to have her many friends and family come to her party. She had been in the hospital for two weeks prior to her party with pnumonia. We were worried she might not make it to the party, but she was determined to have the party. She had to leave her home of 30 years and stay in a nursing home for the last few months of her life.  We made a scrap book for her and the cover says it all.  We miss you!

Right after the party for my great aunt Winnie, my mother turned 80.

We had a smaller party for her just a few close friends, my aunt Jeanie her daughter Jamie, me and my sister Tory and a surprise guest Jim. It was just perfect.

She did not want a BIG party but one where she could sit and really have time to have a conversation with those who were there. She was feeling good and enjoyed her time with friends and family. We didn't know in August of 2009 that she would not see her 81st birthday.

Fortunately, I had retired in 2008. I spent most of 2009 taking care of my mom - either at her home or mine, or while she was hospitalized. I used my knitting to keep my hands busy and my mind quiet. Working on my knitting allowed me to focus on something I COULD do while not being able to change the ongoing decline of my mother's health. I worked on a shrug for her to wear to keep warm.

I am proud to say she loved it - and it was the one thing she wanted with her at the hospital - she called it her security blanket. How wonderful for me to have made something that she kept with her until she died. Since then I have made a few more. Some for other people's mothers and some for friends, but each made with love!

Knitting has become a passion for me. Now I make things for friends and strangers. Chemo Caps and Hand warmers for those undergoing cancer treatments and need something to keep them warm, or to raise money for cancer research and awareness. Something for hospice.

I've found this is something I CAN do! It warms my heart to be able to bring even a small smile to someone.

Knitting has also helped me deal with the stress of planning a funeral, and now dealing the details of my mother's estate. When things are difficult or a bit more stressful, I can pull out something soft or a color that makes me smile and brings me back to a moment of peace. Now I find enjoyment in spending time with friends locally - we call it a meet up! Lots of wonderful women who have helped me during this last year.

Thank you ladies - for introducing me to the joy of knitting with friends.

When your parents/grandparents get older - things change

My Great Aunt Winnie will be 100 this month. This last year has been one of mixed emotions. She has been independent for most of her life but in this last year - she has gone from living independent living to a nursing home. This change has made her sad and had an impact on every one in her family - which includes me too!

All of a sudden the family has to face issues that they weren't thinking about (well OK they were thinking about it... but always with the idea -- tomorrow or later in that thinking). Now tomorrow is today and the thinking about the situation can't be put off any longer.

We have to face the fact that our parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles are getting older and living longer. At some point, we cannot just plan to see them once or twice a year. The time is coming when they need monthly or weekly or even daily visits. What if they don't live near by? Will I need to move closer to them? Will they move closer to me? The time when everyone lived in the same town and in some cases on the same street is not the norm now. Most are scattered in different towns if not in different states.

I have found that many parents (etc) don't want to move they have friends that they socialize with, churches they attend, social groups they interact with and these things make it hard for them to move - even though the idea of being near a family member is helpful. But as their friends die or move closer to their own kids that circle of friends starts to diminish. The kids have kids of their own, friends, jobs etc etc etc. If they move closer to one child will the others feel left out or feel grateful that they don't have to be the caretaker? Which is better?

If we are lucky our parents move to some kind of assisted living on their own. My great Aunt moved into the place she's been staying, until this year, when her older sister (my grandma) became ill and had to move into a hospital living facility. Thirty years later - she is having to move out because her health makes living on her own too difficult. She has had her own place and a circle of friends to socialize with all this time, and now has had to move to a place where she shares a room with two other women - and they put her to bed at 7pm! No wonder she is a bit cranky about it!

But what if our parents don't take the initiative? They live on their own and slowly are not able to care for themselves. They start avoiding having people over - always meeting in public places so the family won't see how poorly they are taking care of their living spaces. You start noticing that their clothing always has food stains or at the least looks like it should be washed or ironed or both.

With people living longer - there is an even greater incident of Alzheimer's, macular degeneration, diabetes or even the "C" word - cancer. All of these things can create even more reasons for assistance. If we are lucky our loved ones die quickly - easily in their sleep. We complain then that we don't have time to say goodbye, but then we don't have time to think about the process of their slowly becoming dependent on 'someone' in the family or who that someone is going to be. Will the caretaker be a family member or will we have to hire someone? There are stages - Active Living, Independent Living, Assisted Living and Nursing Care. You can throw in in home health care too! I have a friend who has long term care insurance but has stated that she is not EVER going to live in a nursing home!

Worrying about a parent is somehow worse than worrying about our kids. We've had practice worrying about our kids. We haven't learned how to worry about our parents. How much is too much? Are we treating our parents like kids (because that is all we know) or are our parents rejecting our help because we ARE the kids and they are supposed to take care of us? Who decides when things change?

Most older folks I've known tell me they don't want to be a burden to their kids. Do we make our parents feel they are burdens or is it just having to depend on someone other than yourself that creates that fear? And how do we tell them that the burden is heavier when we can see that their quality of life is deteriorating and don't know how to help or even how to bring up the topic!

I don't think I have any answers to these questions, but I am trying to find my way through this particular mine field with more than one elder. Talking about these issues with my kids - I promised them they wouldn't have to deal with these issues. I'm sure every parent thinks that too, then things get away from them, and they don't want to" be a burden". I already know I don't want to be a burden too!

Now the 100th birthday party is right around the corner. The birthday girl is trying to stay alive so all her friends and family can come and see her at least one more time. I am looking forward to seeing her and taking lots of pictures so the family can have them to remember her. If I live to be 100, I hope my quality of life will be as good as hers has been!

Learning the knots and the knits

July 4th 2009 - I retired one year ago after 35 years in the banking business. What to do - What to do - What to do? Everyone has a plan for me - even me!

I'm not all that crafty, but I had crocheted for years, had done macrame in the 70s (Didn't everyone?) and was ready for something new.


I am also an avid reader -- why is that important? Well, I started reading a Debbie Macomber book about a woman who opened a knitting store "on Blossom Street" and how the women in the book met other women who learned to knit and became friends. .... I was hooked... I had to try knitting!!! What a great way to meet women in my community and to learn something new! Additionally, I had a family situation come up - where I was going to be spending a few weeks staying with an elderly family member - I could knit and talk - or knit quietly if my family member nodded off! Of course I have an MP3 player with some books on tape or music to listen to - while knitting. A long drive in the car or on a plane - and I would have something to keep me busy while traveling. Sounds perfect doesn't it?
The part I wasn't counting on -- I LOVE knitting! After practicing my basic stitches with some inexpensive yarn - I was buying other yarns and decided my first project would be some fingerless mittens for my mom. She seems to always be cold - so these mittens would be a nice present for her 80th birthday and she would be able to wear them when reading a book or doing her crochet work. I found a pattern on line at Ravelry.com and then headed off to the local Michael's store to pick our the perfect yarn. I found Simply Soft in a pale blue - washable yarn - and made up the mitts. I was a bit challenged - as there were new stitches - Cable - Moss, but I struggled through the right hand (the way the pattern is listed) and then had to figure how to reverse the pattern so the thumb ended up in the correct place on the left hand. A few trys -- and the use of some pattern markers - and they turned out OK!

So what is next - more mitts? Probably... but now I want to try socks -- double pointed needles! YIKES! I've started my practicing - which means I work it and tear it out a few times and I am learning to handle all those needles at one time. My plan is to make 2 socks (1 pair) by the end of July. I 'll check in again in August and let you know how I'm doing!